The Journey Continues: The Guarantees of Parenthood, Brought to you by the Experts

One of my favorite comments that I have received en force has been the one that begins with, "just wait until…" usually followed with some kind of eye roll, a shrill cackle, and a scenario that no one in her right mind would look forward to.

The conversation usually begins with me saying something pleasant about my life which I am currently enjoying, such as, "It was so nice to take a walk in the lovely weather we had yesterday," to which the experienced parent who is listening replies, "Just wait! You'll never have one of those again after you have that baby!"

or

"How did we accumulate so much laundry after having been gone for only two days?"

--Just wait! You'll die under your piles of laundry after that baby comes!

or

--That was a great dinner; did you make everything yourself?

"Yes, I did, thanks!"

--Just wait! You'll only eat out of boxes after you have that baby! Kids don't eat anything, and you won't have time to cook anyway!

There is also the "You'll Never Do That Again After that Baby Comes" or "That'll Be You Soon!" comments that need little to no "pleasant comment set-up" from naive little me.

--Go out to dinner a couple more times because YOU'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN AFTER THAT BABY COMES!

--Enjoy that iced tea because YOU'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN AFTER THAT BABY COMES!

--Yeah, brush your hair now while you can because YOU'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN AFTER THAT BABY COMES!

and

--See that screaming kid over there? Ha, ha! THAT'LL BE YOU SOON!!!

--See that kid telling his mom "no"? Ha, ha! THAT'LL BE YOU SOON!

--See that little girl blowing her diaper out in the middle of the grocery store? Ha, ha! THAT'LL BE YOU SOON!

I started telling people that I would begin charging money for such comments so I could go out to coffee, or more likely, with the high volume of commentary, one of those nice dinners I'll never get to enjoy again after THAT BABY comes. Funny how the comments began to fade away.

At any rate, while the forewarnings have been informative, may everyone note that they have been being stored in the large vault of Black Hole so that I can be free to figure out what I will "just wait" for, never do again, and what "I will be soon" on my own. Think back to middle school here, people: you need a Positive Mental Attitude and you should Say Nice Things to Other People.

Positive twists would not be hard to put on these statements. Try these out for size:

"Just wait! It is so cool when your baby smiles at you."

or

You know that agonizingly quiet evening you had the other night when you just wished you had someone to do something fun with? You'll never do that again after that baby comes--you'll always have a great little companion with you!

or

See that lady holding that little kid in her lap while he plays with her hair? That'll be you soon!

See? That's much better!

3 Weeks to Go--Reflections on the Journey

Life changes, important stages, and rites of passage can be a very exciting time in the human journey. The fun part about them is that, although these episodes are specific to individuals, they often involve a host of excited and interested supporting actors and extras who truly make the experience unforgettable. Graduations, novel trips, and my wedding all held these essential elements in common, and pregnancy is proving to be true as well. In fact, it may even take the cake.

Before I go on, I do not wish the reader to think that I haven't enjoyed the experience of being pregnant or have resented it in any way. However, like with all things that are utterly indescribable until experienced, it has been a time of excitement, anticipation, confusion, exasperation, discomfort, and great outpourings of love. Quite the mix of emotion and experience!

That being said, let's get to the fun stuff. I have found that babies, without a doubt, break down social barriers that exist between people. Likewise, pregnancy seems to break down social filters and basic etiquette with equal force. There seems to be a code that makes it okay to ask questions of pregnant women that a socially conscious person on the most basic level would NEVER ask someone in any other condition. I have been entertained and often in a state of consternation at the questions I commonly get that are completely devoid of social convention. Here are a few "gems" that I have received:

-Wow, you look great! (so far, so good) How much weight have you gained?

-Are you taking care of your teeth?

-Do you have any food cravings? If so, what?

-You don't have any cravings? That's so strange!

-Have you gotten hemorrhoids?

-Are your feet all swollen yet?

-Have you been constipated?

-What about indigestion? I hated that!

-What's your blood pressure these days?

Can you imagine if you asked these questions of someone at a class reunion or dinner party--perhaps of a person who had undergone significant physical changes? I hope we would all agree that such a barrage of inquiry would be considered rude. Yet, when asked of the pregnant woman, a cluster of people gather around the unfortunate mother in rapt attention, anxious to hear her responses. And believe me, it does not go over that well when the question is returned to the person who posed it. In fact, it is met with a large degree of confusion. You can see the wheels turning in the socially-challenged person's head: Why on earth would she be asking me about swollen feet? Of course my feet aren't swollen! ...Sigh.

Then there are other comments that I've categorized thusly:

-Death Threats

-"Just Waits"

-Personal Anecdotes

Death Threats are those comments that are meant to warn the pregnant mother against certain foods, behaviors, and exposures that may endanger herself or her baby. They are, without a doubt, well-intentioned, but when compounded into an eight- or nine-month period of time they can become a bit over the top. And I would imagine that they do not end with pregnancy. For example:

-Don't lift that! You'll hurt yourself! (object in question cannot possibly weigh more than 5 pounds)

-Have you heard that eating _______ can cause you to go into early labor? (usually you are chewing on the item in question)

-You aren't gardening, are you? You can get toxemia from cat poop!

-You know that there are some pressure points that can cause you to go into early labor, don't you? (yes, but if you don't mind, just rub a little harder under my shoulder blade…ahhh yes, that's the ticket.)

And my personal favorite, since my blood sugar has been slightly elevated from time to time during the last 4 weeks:

-Well, you know that women who have high blood sugar during pregnancy have a 60% higher chance of developing Type II Diabetes within the next 5-8 years, especially considering your family history. (my weight has never fluctuated more than 10 pounds in 10 years, I'm active, eat well, and have absolutely NO diabetes in my family.)

Basically, the Death Threats all seem to boil down to: If you do such and such, you'll kill yourself and your baby. So just go lay on the couch! And don't gain too much weight! And don't eat that! And don't touch that! Be CAREFUL!!!

In further installments, I'll cover "Just Waits" and Personal Anecdotes, but right now, my garden, basically full of cat poop, calls to me. Thus, I must drag my swollen-footed, gingivitis-ridden, PICA-plagued body out there and dead-head my flowers and plant some veggies. May you and I both live to see another day! By the way, how is your diarrhea these days?

Happy 30th, Michael!

It's hard to surprise Michael, but we managed to pull it off by having his family come up for the weekend. He was pretty sure that none of them really cared that much about it being his 30th birthday, but when we walked into the pub and they were all there, he was pretty excited.

Sierra Nevada Brewing company even gave him a free brownie…

Long-time family friend Cristina came, too, along with sister Julie and brother-in-law Greg.

The cake is blazing!

Fun times!

It wasn't a super fancy weekend, but it was fun to get together as a family, eat great food, and bum around Chico. We enjoyed a beautiful day on Sunday, strolling through Bidwell Park and getting iced tea at my favorite place for it, the T-Bar. (In fact, if you can't find me at home this summer, I may very well be there during happy hour sipping tea for half off…)